Stop being “Chill”

A lot of my self-reflections come after conversations with friends, family, my therapist, and everyone in between. This one started from a conversation about dating with some friends. A few things stuck with me, and three weeks later, here we are.

The more I think about it, the more exhausted I get by this invisible game we're all playing: where we are all just pretending not to care. and see who can do it the “best.”

We do it constantly. Downplaying emotions so we don't seem dramatic. Waiting hours to reply because "if I seem too interested, they'll lose interest." Avoiding excitement and avoiding vulnerability. It’s all a string of games that lead us to no reward. 

The goal, whether we realize it or not, is to make everything look effortless. But why? What's wrong with caring? 

I believe human connection, along with experience, is among the main reasons we are alive.  So why are we acting in ways that directly limit it? Instead of leaning into connection, we hold it back. Instead of expressing, we filter. We can't even experience without the fear of how we're going to be perceived. For a white, it's all felt so backwards. 

At my core, I am calm and easygoing; that part is real. But somewhere along the way, I convinced myself that being MORE "chill" and low-maintenance made me a better person to be around. Easier. More likable. At this time in my life, the feeling became so normal. Where I didn't even realize I was giving in. and Spoiler: being more “chill” didn't make me more likeable, just less know. Which isn't at all a good trade-off.  

Reflecting on my own relationships (platonic and romantic), I can clearly see how much I was affected and playing into the game. 

In past friendships, I made myself a slightly smaller version of who I am; more agreeable, more neutral, easier to be around. Not fake. Just dimmed down. I didn't want to be "too much." So without really thinking about it, I adjusted. More filtered. Less expressive.

Dating made the pattern even harder to ignore. I held back opinions. Bit my tongue. Downplayed parts of my personality. All because of one underlying thought: What if they don't like this part of me?

The ironic part is that the answer is simple. You move on. You live. But at the time, it didn't feel that simple at all.

Here's what I think is really going on underneath all of it: if you don't fully show yourself, no one can fully judge you. And if they do reject you, it doesn't hurt as much because it wasn't really you they were rejecting. You can't be hurt for who you are if you never fully show who you are.

For a while, that felt safer.

But if you have to hide parts of yourself to make someone like you, then even if they do, it isn't really you they like. And you can only keep that up for so long. Eventually, you either wake up and realize you've been holding yourself back, or you slowly become the version of yourself you were pretending to be. Neither is the right option. 

I think we convince ourselves that this approach will make us more attractive, more in control, and less likely to get hurt. And maybe on the surface it does. But the reward is pretty empty: a temporary ego boost, the illusion of control. No real connection. And that's the biggest loss.

I think about "chill" differently now. The healthy version isn't about pretending not to care; it's about being calm without suppressing yourself. Being secure enough that you don't feel the need to perform. There's a real difference between being easygoing and being invisible.

The people who stand out most aren't the most "chill." They're the most themselves. That's what actually draws people in.

I'm so blessed with the friends I have in my life now. They're kind, fun, thoughtful, but more importantly, they're genuine. Being around people like that makes it easier to show up as yourself, because you're not constantly questioning whether you should.

The right people don't come from being the easiest version of yourself to like. They come from being the most real version. Because connection doesn't come from being liked, it comes from being known.

I think a lot of this traces back to being online. Social media, dating profiles, even just texting. It makes us hyper-focused on how we're being perceived. And it's bled into real life, where we're still trying to hold onto control because we're afraid of being seen for who we really are.

Rejection really is just redirection. It's nothing to fear.

So the takeaway here is don’t filter, don’t downplay. The only way to win the game is to show up as yourself.